Geekery

Speaking geek

Posted on 16. Dec, 2009 by Jake.

I often hear poor jealous non-geeks complaining that geeks have their own language – a difficult and unique patois that can’t be understood by outsiders.

I went online to see if a n00b would be able to learn to speak geek using nothing but Google.

There are various sites offering dictionaries of geek terminology. Many of them, like the Webopedia, offer nothing more than boring IT definitions – and let’s face it, if you are a true geek you probably know what DHCP, OEM or CMOS means already, and if you’re not chances are you don’t want to know. Of much more interest to geek and non-geek alike are the definitions on Mainfraim.org’s GeekSpeak – it has definitions of some hilarious and uniquely geeky phrases, many of which perfectly capture the geek’s tendency to apply terms that used to be reserved for computers to everyday life.

Selected highlights:
Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the alpha geek around here.”
Doorstop: A computer that is no longer considered fast enough or to contain insufficient storage, etc. for use in normal work. All 286’s and 386’s are doorstops. Most 486’s are now doorstops. Soon we’ll see Pentium doorstops.
Egosurfing: Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for the mention of your name.
Let’s take this off-line: Let’s talk about this later, after the meeting.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.

For a comprehensive list of internet acronyms/ chat slang/ jargon, click here.

Sure, everyone knows what it means to LOL, and most people are familiar with the phrase WTF. But there the list includes some truly obscure examples, my favourite being :

BSEG – Big sh*t eating grin
DDSOS – Different day, same sh*t
IANAL – I am not a lawyer (expect an uninformed opinion)

So yes, we do have our own language, but don’t despair, with the help of Google even the greenest n00b will be talking like an uber-geek in no time. Good luck.

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Top Ten Geek Pick-up Lines

Posted on 14. Dec, 2009 by Jake.

From the beginning of time, Geeks have drawn the short straw with the ladies. I say we take a stand. In today’s technology driven world, who is to say that “Geek Jargon” isn’t the in thing?

I have found a list of my favourite Geek Pick-up Lines that are sure to turn the average guy from geek to sleek in no time! Even if they don’t get the ladies going, they are a pretty good laugh so here goes:

• Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive!
• What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: We’ll add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and multiply.
• Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell it on my calculator!
• I wish I was your secant line so I could touch you in two places.
• That dress would look better accelerating to the floor at 9.8 m/s/s.
• Forget Hydrogen, YOU are my number one element.
• You have 206 bones in your body… want one more?
• You are as sweet as 3.14
• I’m like a rubrix cube… the longer you play with me, the harder I get.
• Are you the square root of 2? ‘Cause I feel irrational around you.

If these pick-up lines don’t work for you, you can find more at www.funny-pick-up-lines.com/geek-nerd-pick-up-lines.html.

Best of luck with the ladies this holiday season!

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Top Ten Geek TV Shows (currently showing)

Posted on 07. Dec, 2009 by Jake.

The modern definition of a geek – clichéd as a weedy looking character wearing specs – is somebody that relates academic studies to the real world outside of academic studies, and is normally obsessed with all sorts of gadgets and gizmos.

The following ‘Top Ten’ list of current TV programs is sure to bring out the geek in all of us. So without further ado, and in no particular order, here it goes:

Chuck – Chuck Bartowski is a computer geek turned government agent when he accidently ‘downloads’ the last copies of the worlds greatest spy secrects into his brain.

Scrubs – Medical intern John “J.D” Dorian accompanied by crazy friends Turk and Elliot learns the lessons of life and medicine from the cynical king of sarcasm Dr. Cox of Sacred Heart Hospital. Not to mention one really outrageous janitor.

Mythbusters – Two of the world’s most popular geeks Adam Savage and Jaime Hyneman go to ridiculous lengths to scientifically separate truth from urban legends.

Fringe – The show described as the modern day X-Files with better looking actors, follows an FBI “fringe division” as they use unorthodox investigative techniques in order to solve “the Pattern”, a series of paranormal events happening all over the world.

24 – Jack’s back. In what will be the 7th season of 24, Jack is back to his usual tricks as he has 24 hours to stop terrorists in their tracks using sheer determination, some very cool gadgets, and some help from a couple of computer whiz-kids.

Prototype This – A team of geniuses inventing the future one prototype at a time by building outrageous gadgets that could solve todays problems and creating some of the coolest machines around. A must see if you are the gadgets and gizmo’s type!

The IT Crowd – The computer geeks that skulk around a basement office, far away from any social interaction deal with ridiculous IT problems of the employees of Reynholm Industries, and a clueless manager. Very funny.

The Big Bang Theory – Leonard and Sheldon are bonafide geeks that know loads about science, but lack in common sense and social interaction. They also live across from a pretty waitress that wants to become an actress. Throw it all together and you have the “Big Bang Theory”. Hysterical comedy that any geek could associate with.

Heroes – This show is based on everyday people who realize they have extraordinary/super powers and as the story is based on genetics and all that ‘geeky’ stuff, it wouldn’t be right if this show did not make the list.

Numb3rs – A mathematical genius and an F.B.I agent who happen to be brothers solve crimes using a combination of good old fashioned police work and a couple esoteric theories.

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Coffee without the break – The USB Coffee Warmer

Posted on 10. Nov, 2009 by Jake.

Having focussed lately on quite a few gadgets that have several functions, today I thought I’d keep it simple and concentrate on a device that can do one thing and one thing only. And the USB Coffee Warmer could not under any circumstances be accused of doing more than one thing.

A small USB-powered hot plate that sits next to your keyboard as if to say, ‘c’mon, spill it!’, the USB Coffee Warmer is for those people who work too hard and drink their coffee too slowly. It has the sole function of keeping your hot beverage hot, a function that it fulfils with aplomb. So in a sense I suppose it’s a successful gadget.

Intuitively, though, I have fundamental problems with the concept. As a geek and a non-smoker, the only opportunity I ever get to do something other than sitting in front of a computer screen is when I go and get another cup of coffee. Similar to those offices which ban Facebook, this is one of those inventions which seems to shout ‘work harder! Why are you sitting around drinking coffee. Now you can drink coffee and work at the same time, thanks to the USB Coffee Warmer!’ I have worked at places that would not have hesitated to buy one of these for each of it’s employees and then ban coffee breaks.

I have a friend whose dad once said to me, ‘You know, when we were growing up they told us that all this new technology would make our lives easier, and allow us to work less. Turns out it has just forced us to work harder’. And I completely see his point. In an age where we are supposed to be connected to the world and ready to reply to another email at all times, the coffee break is sacred. Please don’t get me one of these for Christmas.

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3 Worthwile Ways to Waste Time

Posted on 03. Nov, 2009 by Jake.

My recent post, 3 Reasons Why The Internet Is Depressing, may create the impression that, since I have been rallying against stupid internet memes (like the Numa Numa kid and lolcats) or, worse yet, disgusting ones, I am the type of person who spends all of his time online doing important things like conducting stem-cell research or reading up on quantum physics. Not so. Sometimes I just waste time like everybody else, but there are some ways to do so which don’t involve revelling in human idiocy, and here are some of my favourites:

The Tone Matrix:

This nifty little online flash music making device is a sinewave synthesiser invented by the Andre Michelle laboratory. The synth is based on an AudioTools engine and is triggered by an ordinary 16step sequencer. Each triggered step causes a force on the underlaying wave-map. Or, tranlated into non-geek, you press different squares and in the process create interesting combinations of sounds when you play with it. It’s addictive.

Fake news:

Ok, so America’s best made up news source, The Onion, is a site most people have already heard of, but it remains one of the funniest places on the net to waste some time at.

If you want some real information rather than satire, their side-project, a site on movies, music, books, games and tv, The AV Club is excellent too.

And, for a more local flavour there’s our own answer to The Onion, Hayibo, a site with the slogan ‘breaking news. Into little pieces’ which describes itself as ‘South Africa’s second best source of made up news after the SABC’. Through intensive detective work I have discovered that the site is the brainchild of author Tom Eaton and, um, some other guys.

Online Tetris
Anyone who follows this blog, and who read the Geek God post on Tetris inventer Alexey Pajitnov will have guessed that I am a fan of the world’s most addictive puzzle game. Tetris Friends is an incredibly evil waster of time for any Tetris player. One registers and gets a profile and then competes against other people online in a bunch of different Tetris-related games, each of which offers a fresh twist on the original. I started off as a Beginner, and I’m now ranked as Elite (rank 14 out of 20).

What do you get if you get to rank 20, the highest rank? A giant loser sign tattooed on your forehead, that’s what. Anyone who wants to mess with this site should know that no amount of Tetris-brilliance will gain them the admiration of the opposite sex. You have been warned.

And a whole bunch of others are listed below. Don’t come crying to me when you miss every deadline you have in the next year. I took about fourteen hours to write this little blog post, because I took breaks inbetween to ‘test’ these sites:

http://mashable.com/2007/09/08/5000-resources-to-do-just-about-anything-online

http://thisissand.com/

http://www.unkno.com/

http://www.juliasneedledesigns.com/Air%20Force%20Test%20Game.htm

http://www.jamsbio.com/games/jamsMatchSolo

http://www.miniglobz.com/games/twinspin2_en.html

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