Geekery

Top 10: Forgotten games of the past

Posted on 26. Jan, 2010 by Jake.

Graphics and screen res may have come along way, but the games below, while primitive by today’s standards, were just as much fun to play. Below is a personal list of some of the games that defined my childhood, and maybe yours too (if not, you are probably pretty old or pretty young)… Nostalgia FTW!!!

1. 1942
What 80s and early 90s corner café worth its salt did not have a copy of this arcade game, which sees a ‘Super Ace’ fighter plane from World War 2 mowing down enemy planes and doing loop-the-loops? The one near my house did, I’ll tell you that much, and my step-father and I must have wasted thousands of rands worth of coins in our attempts to clock the last level (he did, in the end. I didn’t). In a huge triumph of money-making skills over sentimentality, despite the fact that the game was manufactured by the Japanese, the goal was to destroy the Japanese air fleet in World War 2.

2. Arkanoid
Perhaps the most addictive game I have ever played, 1986’s Arkanoid was based on Breakout, one of the original Atari games of the 70s. The concept was simple, the player controlling a little horizontal line somewhere between a space ship and a paddle, which bounces a ball towards various bricks, causing them to disappear. If the paddle/ship missed the ball, it would disappear into the abyss below, the player losing a life. Once all the bricks, some of which release power-up capsules that give your paddle/ship special powers, have disappeared, one would progress to the next level. I will never forget the game’s opening monologue, badly translated from Japanese, “THE TIME AND ERA OF THIS STORY IS UNKNOWN. AFTER THE MOTHERSHIP “ARKANOID” WAS DESTROYED, A SPACECRAFT “VAUS” SCRAMBLED AWAY FROM IT. BUT ONLY TO BE TRAPPED IN SPACE WARPED BY SOMEONE……..” Confirming its legendary status, various updates of the game have been released, and Arkanoid Plus recently became available on WiiWare.

3. Civilisation
While it may seem a bit silly now, this historical strategic simulation game was the first of its time – and a host of today’s best strategic games, including Rise of Nations, Age of Empires, Rome Total War, arguably even World of Warcraft, would not exist without it. A single-player turn-based game, it involved building an empire after choosing a civilization to represent, each one led by an historical figure – Stalin representing the Russians, Gandhi the Indians, Shaka Zulu the Africans, etc. It was this feature that led to much unintentional humour in the game – the civilization you chose to play with did not change the action of the game, leading to some strange and wonderful turns of events such as “Shaka Zulu has just invented space travel” and “Gandhi and his troops have launched an attack against you”.

4. Shinobi
Possibly the most legendary platform game of all, this 1987 release was from back in the days when the arcade was the only place to enjoy such technologically advanced gaming. In it, one gets to be a ninja, trying to stop a criminal organization. The game had five levels, each one with it’s own colourful ‘boss baddy’, including Black Turtle and Lobster. On the way, one needed to rescue hostages and fight countless hoardes of rogue ninjas, using an unlimited supply of throwing stars (as well as ninja magic and bullets if one knew how to find them). What made it so good at the time was its difficulty level – it was far harder than most other games (meaning that many parents ended up near-bankrupt after their kid’s trip to the arcade), and also boasted an outrageous level of violence compared to its peers. The game lives on, as one of the games in many of the arcade emulators you get nowadays, and it is available on the Wii’s Virtual Console.

5. Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards
One of many similar Quest games of the mid Eighties, Leisure Suit Larry stands out in my mind as watching my older brother play it provided me with some formative sex education – proof that even before the internet, PCs were warping young minds. Sure, I knew about the whole ‘a man lies on top of a woman to make babies’ thing, but Larry depicted a more sordid world, and sex with prostitutes, condoms and cruising singles bars were all brand new concepts to my tender young mind. For those of you who never played it, it was about a 40 year old loser trying to get laid. One of the best parts was when he got killed – he would be taken to a factory and reassembled. I still have vivid memories of that.

6. Donkey Kong
This game is literally as old as I am (and that’s old), having first been released in 1981. A rudimentary platform-ish game, which sees Mario dodge barrels thrown by the mighty gorilla Kong (the Donkey reference, while there are various theories, remains a mystery), is what led to Nintendo’s huge success, and broke it in the American market for the first time. It’s also the first game ever to have a narrative, and it has even inspired it’s own saying ‘Its on like…” you know the rest. And, it’s the first time we meet a character called Mario, who, as we all know, went on to achieve greater fame and fortune than his giant simian nemesis. The game lives on in Seth Gordon’s 2007 documentary King of Kong, which is better than any film about this obscure and ancient game has any right to be. If you haven’t seen it, I advise that you do.

7. Duke Nukem
Mention the name o’ Nukem and every little whippersnapper in the room will pipe up about how much they love the game. The problem is, they’re talking about the more recent 3D shoot-em up. The original – a side-scrolling platform game released in 1991, totally pwed for its time, with faster gameplay than any of its predecessors, as well as the ability to blow up scenery, which back then was a novelty. Hilariously, the original game was set in the ‘future’ – 1997.

8. California games
Boy did I play the hell out of this game in my youth. As a land-locked Gautenger, there was something beautiful about the opportunity to escape to the sunny beaches of California, where one could play a range of different games simulating seaside sports including surfing, skating, biking and jet-skying. One does, however, have to wonder who gave the go-ahead to include ‘footbag’, which is basically hackey sack, a testament to the peril of hiring hippies to help develop games.

9. Wolfenstein 3D
Before Quake and Doom there was Wolfenstein. It is the first person shooter upon which every subsequent one was modeled. Itself an update of a primitive 80s game called Castle Wolfenstein, the game had a World War II theme, the decision to make the hero a US ally and the villains Nazi Germans presumably a ploy to allow one to mow down hoards of enemy soldiers without guilt. In the process of playing, one aquires different guns (the gattling being the one that stands out in my mind the most), kills a heroic number of soldiers and eventually even gets the chance to face a nasty, half-Adolf Hitler, half-robot creature in the finale. Eventually, Doom would blow Wolfenstein out the water, particularly because it introduced the concept of networking. But, for a while, Wolfenstein was the greatest game of all time.

10. Jones in the fast lane
Ok, I acknowledge that you are probably scratching your head over this one. I seem to be the only person in the world ever to play it, but it left an indelible impression on me as a kid. Somewhere between a board game and The Sims, it entailed playing against an opponent as the character Jones, who basically just lives life. The idea was to accumulate as much, happiness, wealth, education and status, in an attempt to out-do your opponent, in the process working, shopping, going to college, basically living a pretty mundane existence. As I type this, I realise that the concept itself explains why the game was not a commercial success. But surely someone other than me remembers it. Anyone?

It occurs to me that these are the games that I happened to play growing up, and that anyone else’s list would be completely different. If there is one that stands out for you please comment below, I’d love to re-live some of the games I left out. And if you want to read someone else’s version (including era-defining games I left out, such as Pong and Bubble Bobble), click here.

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Top Ten Geek Pick-up Lines

Posted on 14. Dec, 2009 by Jake.

From the beginning of time, Geeks have drawn the short straw with the ladies. I say we take a stand. In today’s technology driven world, who is to say that “Geek Jargon” isn’t the in thing?

I have found a list of my favourite Geek Pick-up Lines that are sure to turn the average guy from geek to sleek in no time! Even if they don’t get the ladies going, they are a pretty good laugh so here goes:

• Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive!
• What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: We’ll add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs and multiply.
• Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell it on my calculator!
• I wish I was your secant line so I could touch you in two places.
• That dress would look better accelerating to the floor at 9.8 m/s/s.
• Forget Hydrogen, YOU are my number one element.
• You have 206 bones in your body… want one more?
• You are as sweet as 3.14
• I’m like a rubrix cube… the longer you play with me, the harder I get.
• Are you the square root of 2? ‘Cause I feel irrational around you.

If these pick-up lines don’t work for you, you can find more at www.funny-pick-up-lines.com/geek-nerd-pick-up-lines.html.

Best of luck with the ladies this holiday season!

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Top Ten Geek TV Shows (currently showing)

Posted on 07. Dec, 2009 by Jake.

The modern definition of a geek – clichéd as a weedy looking character wearing specs – is somebody that relates academic studies to the real world outside of academic studies, and is normally obsessed with all sorts of gadgets and gizmos.

The following ‘Top Ten’ list of current TV programs is sure to bring out the geek in all of us. So without further ado, and in no particular order, here it goes:

Chuck – Chuck Bartowski is a computer geek turned government agent when he accidently ‘downloads’ the last copies of the worlds greatest spy secrects into his brain.

Scrubs – Medical intern John “J.D” Dorian accompanied by crazy friends Turk and Elliot learns the lessons of life and medicine from the cynical king of sarcasm Dr. Cox of Sacred Heart Hospital. Not to mention one really outrageous janitor.

Mythbusters – Two of the world’s most popular geeks Adam Savage and Jaime Hyneman go to ridiculous lengths to scientifically separate truth from urban legends.

Fringe – The show described as the modern day X-Files with better looking actors, follows an FBI “fringe division” as they use unorthodox investigative techniques in order to solve “the Pattern”, a series of paranormal events happening all over the world.

24 – Jack’s back. In what will be the 7th season of 24, Jack is back to his usual tricks as he has 24 hours to stop terrorists in their tracks using sheer determination, some very cool gadgets, and some help from a couple of computer whiz-kids.

Prototype This – A team of geniuses inventing the future one prototype at a time by building outrageous gadgets that could solve todays problems and creating some of the coolest machines around. A must see if you are the gadgets and gizmo’s type!

The IT Crowd – The computer geeks that skulk around a basement office, far away from any social interaction deal with ridiculous IT problems of the employees of Reynholm Industries, and a clueless manager. Very funny.

The Big Bang Theory – Leonard and Sheldon are bonafide geeks that know loads about science, but lack in common sense and social interaction. They also live across from a pretty waitress that wants to become an actress. Throw it all together and you have the “Big Bang Theory”. Hysterical comedy that any geek could associate with.

Heroes – This show is based on everyday people who realize they have extraordinary/super powers and as the story is based on genetics and all that ‘geeky’ stuff, it wouldn’t be right if this show did not make the list.

Numb3rs – A mathematical genius and an F.B.I agent who happen to be brothers solve crimes using a combination of good old fashioned police work and a couple esoteric theories.

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Ten cool spy toys

Posted on 23. Nov, 2009 by Jake.

The spy world is intriguing to most of us, moreso the spy gadgets that are used in this field. I’ve put together a list of spy gadgets that are available to the public, some barely legal.

1. Listening device
This device apparently allows you to hear even a whisper across the room. It gets my vote for being barely visible as well – nobody likes an obvious spy. [Source]

2. Camera Spy Plane
This is a RC plane with a digital camera to take aerial shots. It also looks quite snazzy.
[Source]

3. Gryphon Personal Flying Wing
This one is kind of like the Spy Plane mentioned above except that you are spying device… with wings!
[Source]

4. Thermal Infrared Imaging Camera
Thermal infrared devices can detect human activity, the one in the image (X200XP) at up to 450m. It’s also said to provide vision in dust, smoke and complete darkness with the ability to be submerged up to 9m below water. No serious spy should be without thermal vision.
[Source]

5. Password Protector
Still scribble your passwords on the back of your notepad or relying on your dodgy memory? It seems that there’s actual hardware that acts as a password manager and apparently used by the US army.
[Source]

6. SpyCam Detector
If you’re a spy, chances are that somebody else may be spying on you. A SpyCam detector locates hidden camera. It’s portable enough to keep in your pocket and runs on AAA batteries. [Source]

7. Lock Picking Tools
For doors that don’t lock electronically, a lock picking set is essential for a spy. [Source]

8. Portable Lie Detector
How can you tell quickly if the information you’re being told is accurate? You probably can’t but you can get close by using a portable lide detector like the deFIBulator. [Source]

9. Voice changer
As a spy, there will no doubt be circumstances where you need to further conceal your identity over the phone. A voice changer can lower or raise the pitch to the extent that you can sound like the opposite gender, amongst other things. [Source]

10. Military-grade handheld portable laser
This laser can cut through or burn dark plastics and cardboard. An imaginative spy would know how or where to make use of this powerful, albeit dangerous gadget. Use with extreme care!
[Source]

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The Best Geek Quotes Ever

Posted on 21. Oct, 2009 by Jake.

Just for the craziness of it, today’s Top 10 has to be the world’s nuttiest Geek quotes. Read through these and laughed, cried, laughed some more, and then wondered to the fridge for a Coke and wondered why the world stereotype’s us so. Oh well…

1. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d  – tee shirt

2. Microsoft: “You’ve got questions. We’ve got dancing paperclips.”  – Unknown

3. My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they’re like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I’ll trade this but not my charizard.  – Unknown

4. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.  - Unknown

5. If at first you don’t succeed; call it version 1.0  - T-Shirt

6. I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly  – T-Shirt

7. When Life Gives You Questions, Google has Answers  - AJ Carpio

8. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.  - Unknown

9. The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it’s twice as big as it needs to be.  - Unknown

10. I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code   - Unknown

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